Preface

"Always win your races." Was bert reynolds advice to the world. The star of cannonball run. I had found a copy of his autobiography on audio cassette as read by Himself and boughten it as means to pass the time while travelling on the road with my band The Meat. It was four hours between every city so we always packed up lots of weird audio files to listen to for inspiration between towns. My favorite of these moments being when john put on hollywood nights by bob seger. For some reason it struck a chord. We put it on loop and with every turn it got more and more exciting. our heads hanging out the windows screaming every word, air drumming and playing piano on the dashboard. By the time we got to where we were going we were half insane. Another time while touring around halloween we listened to nothing but horror movie sound tracks and violent noise bands.

 But on this tour we listened to bert reynolds speak. "Lonnie. Its over." Is how he started the book. "What a Dick!" I yelled out laughing. I immediately thought of Lonnie. how crude of a move it was on his part. Their marriage had become cartoonish in the eyes of the public and this was his way of telling hollywood he was back. By throwing her under the bus. We listened to the entire book. All four cassettes. Both sides. From start to finish. My band at the time made art of mysogyny. Masquarading around the country with a giant 8 foot tall hand crafted vagina stuffed in our vehicle with costumes and props. Singing songs about rape and murder. to us, every word was gospel.

 I had started trying to write about my misadventures. I knew already at that age that i had some interesting stories to tell. But every time i'd sit down and try to write i would end up boring myself. How arrogant it was, i thought, to sit and write about yourself. I thought of all the great autobiographies of the past. How ridiculous these people must have been. Ulyssys s grant. Bette davis.

 But after hearing these tapes. Bert reynolds. Going On and On about himself as if he were the messiah. I figured no matter how impetuous and vein my writing may appear it could never be as precoscious as this. So bert reynolds is very much to blame for me having picked back up the pen. Also, i had recently discovered this book titled "last exit to brooklynn". It was absolutely riveting. Riveting! There are no words to describe what this book did for me. I had torn through a million article of culture trying to come in contact with a shred of intelligence. No matter what i found, it would only suffice. Eventually whatever i was holding on to would wear thin and i would be left holding an empty paper bag. But This. This book. It was beyond punk rock. It was beyond anything i had ever encountered as far as true american counter culture. GG allin was a loser. No matter how good of a poet he was. Edgar allen poe was too fanciful. Out dated and therefor disposable. Hemmingway was still true but no one cared.

 This book became my bible. Taking it with me everywhere i'd go. On the bus. At the coffee shop. On the road. On someones couch. These characters were always with me. But it wasn't just the story. It was the urgency in the voicing of the characters. I knew these people. And as much trouble as it would be to be around them, i belonged with them. I read a million more books trying to find one that was as fulfilling to read and none of them came close. Dostoyefsky, bukowski, camus, burroughs, ginsberg, shakespeare, shaw, none of them came close to creating an atmosphere of such virosity. Not even hubert selby jr, the writer himself, could match the amount of spirit there was hidden in those pages. Enough energy to wipe out an entire city. It must have nearly killed him to get it all down. His heart pounding as hard as his fingers pounded on the keys.

 So from this book i learned to appreciate the power in the written word. Its unforgivingness. Once somethings written it can either be challenged or rebuked but it can never be taken back. The bible, the supposed 'perfect document' with its million errors.

 So with the greatness of writing there is an even greater need for discipline. "The closest you can hope for is an apprximation " william burroughs once said about writing. Meaning no matter how accurate you deacibe something the reader will never see exactly the same picture as the one youre trying to describe. Selbys andedote was to say that "the writer has no right to impose themselves on the characters in the story." To which henry miller replied "but he can only write in first person". Bukowskis response to all this was to tell people -  "The dog walked aross the street" advising anyone who writes to keep it simple and get to the point. so from studying these giants i slowly learned how to writer.

But i still wasnt comfortable writing about myself. No matter how fantastic the tale. So for years i didnt write anything.mi was a reader. Not a writer. Then by happen stance years later a friend of mine saw i wrote poetry from time to time. And occasionally wrote on a blog. She told me of a friend of hers that was starting a magazine and that i should get a hold of her. I did and was quickly invited to a writers meeting in san francisco. The magazine was a sex positive rag that was a mixture of tasteful pornography mixed with journalism of political and sociological form. At the meeting we drank good wine and ate expensive cheese with men in suits. I quickly realized i was the only male writer there and thought i best make myself useful as such by being absolutely quiet and .  were told they were looking for interesting stories in and of san francisco and its reflection on the world when it came to sex. Polyamory in the matriarchy. Basically our instructions were to go get laid and write about it. Let the world in on the mad sex orgy that generated through our streets. So i did. I was recently seperated from a long term girl friend and had just taken to san franciscos bizarre dating scene. The women were alpha females. Half the men were queer so the women out of self preservation had taken to being the aggresors. It was an absolute total reversal of gender roles. Women weren't throwing themselves at men, but they were noticably forward. Women looking at men the way that i look at women.  interesting times in an interesting place. After a few weeks i quickly started having stories. But there was a problem. I insisted on honesty. Regardless of how honest you are with your partner to be polyamorous does Not come without a cost. And while not going so far as to be preachy i did want the emptiness that comes from being with random partners to be represented in my work. "Bring me something else." Shed say. She liked my work, shed say. But she clearly had a problem with my take on the situation. After a few more meeting i eventually quit and thought nothing more of it.

 But then I had all these stories. And i quickly realized that when i wrote in a journalistic form. When i wasnt the focus, i wrote very well. I had an editor and a friend from over seas who was tapped by the king luxemburg to be the kings librarian only to have turned it down because their dress code refused her the right to dress in her usual goth punk attire. They proof read and analyzed everything i wrote and .  both read what i sent them eagerly. Always sending  high praise to their evaluations.

 So from this i put it together that i could write a lot more. And so i did. This, in many ways, has been the hardest envouri have ever tasked myself with. Its total social suicide. Bette davis' dauther wrote an autobiography and her and her mother never spoke again. The sad truth may be that i have in fact already lost touch with most the people in this collection of essays.  so to me this body of work is much more of an homage to them and the goodtimes we had  than anything else. As i have done everything in my ability to be  exploitative. While readily admitting that i write this fully aware  that  to write about anyone but yourself is inheretly judgemental. All of this just to say both accusatorily and appologetically that THESE THINGS HAPPENED. And that i wrote about them because i can.